My Dog Snores

Is it just me or does anyone else regularly find themselves awake at 3 A.M. worrying about the future of the country? Maybe it’s an inevitable consequence of trying to keep up with current events. The dog snores or Suzie rolls over or my neighbor who despises mufflers drives by or I drank too much tea before bedtime, for whatever reason, I find myself awake. And awake. . . In any case, my mind cranks up and it’s off to the races.

They say more intelligent people don’t sleep as much. That must be it. Surely. But it feels pretty dumb at the time. I can’t do anything about the problems at that hour. I know I’ll feel miserable tomorrow. But there I am.


The best solution I’ve found is to have exercised so hard yesterday that I can’t keep my eyes open. I’ll have to remember that when I wake up yesterday. No good.

Sometimes I write my brilliant thoughts into the glare of my phone’s notes app. That’ll fix ’em.

Sometimes I imagine how Hollywood action heroes would solve the problem, but that just leads to enigmatic endings, self-hatred and awards shows.

They say the worst thing you can do is just lie in bed, so sometimes I get up and pace myself to the proper state of not caring. But that dark road descends into the valley of my ultimate nemesis – the refrigerator.

Combo Approach!

So, this morning I opted for a two-pronged attack: prayer and mayonnaise. It made sense at the time.

You see, I went shopping last night and forgot the most essential of all condiments – mayonnaise. I’d forgotten it because I never eat the fluffy white stuff. I’m a mustard man. That’s all you need to know. But my wife loves it and I love my wife so you see the conundrum. It’s a thing I must remember but never think about. Except at 3 A.M.

What I did remember was that Jesus had a lot to say about not worrying. Instead, I’m supposed to pray about everything. Convert worry to prayer and hopefully to sleep. Sounds like a plan.

For the record, Jesus had no recorded position on mayonnaise. But he did mention mustard seeds. So, I’m good there.

Driven To Prayer

One of the big advantages to praying in the car is that you can get really loud and bang on the steering wheel and people just think you’re a Taylor Swift fan singing along. I prayed all the way to Walmart, the only thing open at the time. I switched to stealth mode while I shopped because getting arrested wasn’t on my list. Then I loudly prayed all the way home.

By the time I got back, every politician in the country had taken a beating and I had delivered my worries into God’s hands. Where they were all along anyway.

It was only then that I discovered the flaw in my plan. Putting the mayo away meant that I had to go into the kitchen. Where lived my nemesis. Oh well.

At least Suzie will get up tomorrow and think that I remembered the mayonnaise. Don’t tell.


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